Wednesday, May 6, 2009

No change

I weighed again this morning right after running, and I'm back up to 226. What the crap? I realize that it's probably just muscle mass, and I realize that I have to be patient. But I've been slaving away every morning for a month now, and only have a measly 7 pounds lost to show for it. My clothes don't fit any better, and I really can't see any change when I look in the mirror. I know I shouldn't be, but I am so disheartened. Especially with all the other chaos going on in my life right now (i.e. job hunt, imminent move, etc.), I was really hoping to have something positive to encourage me. I am dreading going to Hawaii in six weeks and having to squeeze my gigantic butt into a swim suit. I don't have any clothes that I like to wear, and I'm sure as heck not buying anything new right now. I just want to be happy with my body again. Right before I got pregnant with Rowan, I had finally started to lose inches and felt so great. I was happy with the way I looked, even though I wasn't super skinny. I don't have irrational dreams of being a size 2. I just want to be healthy and comfortable in my skin. I am feeling healthier overall, so I know the exercise is helping, but I just want to have my confidence back. There are days that I walk by a mirror and wonder who the fat girl is looking back at me. I don't identify with her at all, and I hate feeling so disconnected from myself.

I refuse to give up, though. I wonder if I need to do something to jump-start my metabolism and my weight loss. I am going to give Jackie's crazy cleanse a try for a week, and see if it helps. I know my stress eating isn't helping me in my plight, so I am trying hard to watch what goes into my mouth. Every day I slip up, though, but today is a new day, and I have another chance to do it right.

Wish me luck, peeps!